Please help me am i crazy?can you tell me whats going on?

okay so this is going to be very long but please help me out if u have the time to read this? when i was 1 things were bad with my family mom says my dad was violent and evil n stuff and they divorced and my mom tried to take us away but in the end court ordered my dad custody of me my brother and sister who were 6 and 8 and i was 2 . well i kind of had a normal life id ontremember much but my step mom was mean slapped us in the face and cursed and stuff my dad wasnt really there from what ic an remember i remember he wuld buy me toys. when i got older he kind of became my hero idk why he wasnt around but he never hit me or cursed he bought me things and took me to cool places.and i always slacked off in school he never made me go and nevermade me do things. i had a suicide attempt at 16 and i dont even know why i did it i just dont want to exist ever since i wa sa little child i never wanted to exist. things got bad at 14 my step mom left and the house was moldy and discusting falling apart dishes broken furniture everywhere. i finally moved at 16 after suicide attempt dad bought a house in the ghetoo and the house was real small and kinda ghetoo but at least the carpet was new and it wasnt moldy. i liked it at first.well my dad decided he needed a new girlfriend. she smoked pot. my dad thought it was for medical purposes but she was heavy smoked it every day hotboxing her room and she even shared it with me i spent alot of my timegetting high and hating life hung out with bad friends and making out with boys letting them do whatever to me except sex because i dont know why but i have a very hard time looking at my vagina even at the doctors i cant let them touch it and open it it bothers me i just cant do it i cant even put a tamponn in i have to use pads my mom said my dad sexually abused me and thats why i am like this but i dontthink he culd do such a thing. hes never touched me down there that i can remember or even looked. its just he does lose controll sometimes and curse now and push me down but then again so can i can be very violent throw things and cuss so badly i have anger issues and the problem with me is i finally had a chance to move back with my mom i mean i do like it i have a room a bathroo i have that at my dads house too but it doesnt feel like my home i ask if i can have food or use the bathroom like a guest. i have to volunteer at a school and im trying to get thru high school now im 17 and im trying to get my high school diploma but i have no credits at all but now im feeling so sick and tired of life i want to give up again i just dont have the will to try to live and do things i need to do. i just dont want to think or do anything but sleep all day and all night. i cant think right and i have been on depression medication for long time i just got off like a few months ago i dont want to go bak they only made me fat and moremiserable. ive gone as far as not eating for days and eatting alot becuz i got so desperate and not eating and now im back there imt rying to lose weight but i just cant eat im so upset and i dont know why im always angry i dont want to exist and i dont want to do anything